It started with a WhatsApp message from someone named “María Language Flow 🌊”. She said there was a group that met every Wednesday in Ruzafa to practice English and Spanish over drinks. I was lonely. I was bored. I had nothing in the fridge except a half jar of sun-dried tomatoes and two things of mustard. So I said yes.
I arrived at this bar that looked like a 1970s dentist waiting room had mated with a co-working space. Plastic plants. Neon sign that said “flow”. A man in a fedora told me to take a mindfulness breath before entering. I did. Out of fear, mostly.
Inside, there were clusters of people arranged in tight circles like speed dating or an underground support group. Everyone was too enthusiastic. Someone clapped when I said I was from Oregon. Someone else offered me a biodegradable pencil.
They had rules. You had to speak in English for 20 minutes, then Spanish for 20 minutes. There were ice-breaker questions printed on index cards, like “What animal represents your inner truth?” or “If sadness had a color, what would it be?” I tried to leave and knocked over a chair.
I got paired with a guy named Sergio who said he was “in transition from banking to breathwork” and smelled like smoked cinnamon. He asked if I’d like to share a vulnerability with the group. I said I was afraid of dry shampoo and he nodded like that made sense. He said his ex was a Libra with a cruel laugh.
Midway through the Spanish portion, someone played a Tibetan singing bowl and told us to close our eyes. I don’t remember consenting to this. I was trapped between two women arguing about quinoa in Valenciano and a man named Leo who was holding a ukulele but hadn’t played it yet. I kept trying to switch tables, but every exit seemed to involve someone named Pablo asking how I felt in my body.
Eventually someone offered me kombucha. I asked for a wine instead and was given a look like I’d insulted their ancestor’s bees.
I did finally learn how to say “I’m not into crystals” in Spanish. It’s “No me van los cristales,” I think. Or I said something about not liking glass. Unclear. Either way, nobody made eye contact with me after that.
I left when they started passing around a feedback form shaped like a lotus.
I still get messages from María Language Flow. She says I have a radiant aura and my presence was missed. I haven’t replied. I’m scared if I do, I’ll wake up in a co-living dome in Altea with a chakra tattoo and no pants.
